For me, it has never been a question of not knowing what I wanted.
Don’t get me wrong, my preferences have changed exponentially over the years: from the skateboarding, chain-wearing, punk fantasies of my youth to the relaxed, practical, sweater-clad man of my present dreams. The aesthetic I’m looking for changes. The age group I’m interested in changes. But fundamentally, I know what I want. And thanks to that knowledge, I have also been incandescently clear with myself on what I do not want.
However, much to my reoccurring dismay, I consistently and without fail end up with a person that overwhelmingly isn’t who I’m looking for. More often than not, I either find myself feeling like a mother, feeling completely taken advantage of or some combination of both.
I frequently wonder if it is me. Maybe my standards are too high? Maybe I think too much of myself and am trying to shoot for more than I deserve? Maybe I’m doomed to find fatal fault in every male I date, so I should just give up completely?
Is it wrong to want the same amount of effort you give to the person you’re in a relationship with, in return? If you put time and energy into planning a surprise, if you agonize over an outfit or gift – is it selfish to desire the same amount of thought and consideration from your partner? After so much spent intention and effort, is it conceited of me to crave little surprises, left for me on my doorstep? Or sweet notes, slipped onto my windshield?
I’m not asking for things that I wouldn’t myself do. I’m not asking for copious amounts of money to be spent (I’d prefer no amount of money be spent, in fact). I’m not asking for my partner to go far out of their comfort zone or to write me a sonnet in iambic pentameter. I’m just asking for sincerity and effort. A little thought and consideration.
I’ve known the foundation of who I’ve wanted all along. And yet, due to…I’m not even sure – doubt that they could even exist? A lack of self-confidence or a lack of feeling that I deserve them? I always choose someone who really isn’t what I want.
I have an old haunt from my past. He is just a guy in reality but to me, he is like a drug addiction that I can never quite kick. Periodically, he stops back into my life and it’s as if he never left: I instantly become stressed, insecure, neurotic and borderline obsessed with him.
I check my phone 500 times a day, on the slight chance that he messaged me. Every time I see that empty screen or get a notification from someone else, my frustration rises to a new height. I block and unblock him 30+ times throughout, battling with myself, knowing full well that I’m being idiotic for even entertaining his advances but not having the self-restraint to blow him off completely. I check his account on Instagram to see if he’s posted anything, knowing that he hasn’t used it in two years. I analyze each sentence and wonder if maybe, this time, he’ll choose to treat me respectfully and earn my trust back.
The rub is, I know exactly how bad this male is for me. I know all too well how much he undermines my confidence, makes my nights sleepless, raises my sense of frustration and lowers my inhibitions. He will never be the monogamous, considerate, adoring man who I want to be in a relationship with. He will never be the giving, God-loving, sincere man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I know all of these things.
And yet, even after a year has passed, he has the same hold over my senses as he did the first day we met. Even after I chose to end the relationship we had, even after I told him, over and over again that I’m not interested in giving what he wants from me.
Still, the craving remains.
Where exactly is the disconnect between my heart and my brain, I wonder. Logically, I know that pursuing him would end in only more heartbreak, another year of attempting to get over him and wouldn’t give me the relationship I’ve been searching for. Emotionally, the thought of seeing him again makes my heart attempt to leap out of my chest. Is it all just hormones and chemical reactions in my brain?
Sometimes, I really hate being human. A lot of the time, in fact.
I will not allow my emotions to control me. But man, denying them is hard.
Mars, signing off. ◊